I sit here at my desk at 6:45 pm, just got off a conference call with some coworkers in the Abu Dhabi (it's 3:30 there). They have a deliverable to roll out to a client in a few hours, and I am trying to help them out.
It is now officially too late for me to make membership class, and I feel disappointed. I'm not sure why. Whether I am a member of the Village or not won't change my heart, or my desire to glorify God. Perhaps it's because I started something that I didn't finish. I don't know.
I think this is a good thing. I think maybe one of the reasons I desired so much to be a covenant member of the Village was for the sake of saying I was a covenant member of the Village. Okay, Josh, cue motive check in 3...2....1.... How do I check my motives at the door? How do I approach everything at the door.
As James Davis would say, I just do it. This is one of those things that can't be done by me. I can't say "I'm approaching this with a pure heart". But I can ask God for a pureness of heart, then try. And then try it again. And again.
Or maybe this is another answered prayer. Like, when I asked God to help me with my pride, backpack full of stinkin', rotting pride. He touched my shoulder, made me weak as a kitten, and I can't play sports for 6 months. May not be a big deal for some, but a huge deal for me. A summer with no water sports, no field sports, can't go hunting. It hurts to hug people. Perhaps this God's way of opening my eyes, allowing me to exam my motives and my priorities.
I want to hear what your disappointments say to you.
It's 3 til 7. I don't feel any better about the situation. I feel like going over to Shanks' condemned apartment and watching Animaniacs.
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2 comments:
Same as the comment I just posted below: my mind is fractured at the moment, so...good luck to us (the writer and reader of this post) Hope there aren't too many typos.
Isaiah 64:6 says, "...all our righteousness is like filth rags..." Romans 3:10 says, "...there is none righeous, not even one;"
Not to blow off the issue, but realize, there's nothing in us that's clean. There's nothing we can do that's good enough or pure enough. (see Matt's example about Audrey trying to wipe the mud off her face with muddy hands.) This is something that I'm working on (in fact, just had a similar chat with my counselor Wed morning).
If we wait until our motive is completely pure and entirely for God's glory, we might be waiting a while. Honest question: is there *anything* we do that's truly for him and not about us? I don't know. I think worship's pure, but the Village has the danger of becoming a dating service for single us men and I like to listen/repeat what the drummer is doing. [Yes I can worship God through phat rhythms, but mostly I want to do it so I look cool (i.e. my glory.)] I like to listen/repeat what Matt says (inspired by God) so that *I* can sound smart. Where's the pure motive in that? Do I give up and not go to church? By no means.
I think you nailed it when you said "I can ask God for a pureness of heart, then try. And then try it again. And again." B-E-A-UTIFUL! Is there a more accurate picture of the Christian life?
If a guy goes to church to meet girls and ends up getting saved, is his salvation discounted? Or is it that God works in spite of us and for His glory? Genesis 50:20 "As for you, you meant evil against me, {but} God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..."
I know you (or at least what you show us) and the parts of you I've seen doesn't cause me to question your motives any more than I question mine. I see you doing stuff and serving the church and loving its people regardless of membership status. What percentage of covenant members can say the same? (Maybe all of them...I don't know...but I question it.)
So I'm personally not worried about this, and I think you answer your own question in the post about how to check motives.
Not even sure how to answer what my disappointments say to me. Like, I'm sure sure really what you're asking. (sorry)
Is that injury current or from a previous summer? As hard as it is, I can stop hugging if I need to :( And all are always welcome for Animaniacs. Love you!
I have another confession to make (in lieu of the one where John was spilling his heart out and my mind kept wanting to play Golden Axe).
I was torn (i.e. not hurt, but internally divided) when I heard you might lead another group [which is sort of why I figured you were in the membership class anyway]. And I confessed the following to Brent the Saturday after salsa:
On the car ride there, you mentioned that you'd already missed one class, had started traveling again, and where in danger of missing a 2nd class [and getting kicked out]. Initially when I heard that (like, hopefully less than a second), my flesh was excited that you might be delayed in your leaving us.
Can I just tell you how ticked off that made me later that evening?! (And still now) How increadibly selfish of me! You wanna talk about impure motives: I freakin' put my desire over that of 10 other men who would greatly benefit with you in their lives. It makes me wanna rack myself.
All that to say two things
(a) I know how you feel in your frustrations with motives. Like I mentioned in the first post, it's something I'm constantly working on. I have to allow room for growth, I can't expect to always be perfect, and I should allow this to show me the cancerous tar in my lungs that threaten my ability to breathe the air of the Spirit. This in turn should show my great depravity and need for a saviour. The sin in me should lead me to Christ who will [hopefully] change me. And maybe all this is the answer to your question in your post that I didn't understand.
Anyway, part (b) is that I no longer feel this way. While I still want you in the group, I would be honored if you were to lead another group of men. I would brag and say that I knew/know you, that we were in the same group, etc. I'd save all your hilarious text messages to show people ;)
Anyway, all *this* to say that I can honestly say I now grieve with you in not being able to do this membership class. I don't know what God's plan is in this, but I trust Him.
Hopefully His plan will reveal itself [soon] and/or you're able to resume this path [soon].
Do not be discouraged, pursue Him, seek His guidance, and play the Wii.
That's the best advice I have.
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